Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, Impact, and Strategies for Change

The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. By Sanjana GuptaSanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness. They may not agree to enter treatment right away, so you might have to mention it several times.

Even in professional settings, enabling can rear its ugly head. Enabling doesn’t wear just one mask – it shows up in various guises across different relationships and situations. One of the most common manifestations is in the context of codependency, a psychological condition where one person excessively relies on another for approval and identity. Also, I always recommend enlisting the advice of a qualified professional, such as a psychologist or experienced counselor. If that’s out of your reach, talk about your situation with a wise person in your life, whose relationships are going well.

Motivations Behind Enabling Behavior

Advertently or inadvertently, however, they help preserve dependent behaviors. They’ll do things like make excuses to keep up appearances. Inside, they’re concealing substance use disorder and other secrets. The enabler may be trying to protect the person with the substance use disorder, but what they’re really doing is maintaining an unhealthy status quo. Building self-awareness and emotional intelligence is crucial in this journey. Self-help psychology offers numerous techniques for developing these skills, from mindfulness practices to journaling exercises.

For example, enabling behavior may include providing the school with an excuse so someone can skip class, even if they did because they spent the night drinking. 10) This “dance” has been part of my life for so long, they don’t know what they would do without it. Some people have made a life style of being professional enabler or co-dependents.

• The material is not a substitute for qualified medical diagnoses, treatment, or advice.
• We are not doing our loved ones a service by living in fear of their threats, trying to be best buds, believing this time will be different or too lazy to do anything about their actions.
• There will be twists, turns, and the occasional pothole along the way.
• Some people have made a life style of being professional enabler or co-dependents.
• You may need to take care of children or aging parents.

Ignoring or tolerating problematic behavior

Enabling, though it might sound good, means that the things we are doing or saying to someone are backfiring. We are unwittingly “enabling” our loved one to stay stuck, to dig in their heels even more. That’s where professional support and support groups come in. Think of it as calling in the cavalry when you’re feeling overwhelmed. There’s no shame in seeking help – in fact, it’s a sign of strength and self-awareness.

• To turn against this urge feels wrong at an intuitive level that’s hard to resist.
• There might be resistance, both from within yourself and from those accustomed to your enabling behaviors.
• It also makes it harder for your loved one to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change.
• You’re also being a good role model for consistent behavior.

This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior. When I was a treatment counselor, the parents of court mandated adolescences had to have a parent/parents attend a family session for counseling. Most of the parents were too tired, too busy or too lazy to change the rules and regulations regarding their loved ones addiction issues or sketchy recovery process. They had been down this road for so many years that they were weary of continuing to tread over the same path. They had jobs or other responsibilities to attend to and didn’t have the energy anymore.

As we delve into the intricate world of enabling in psychology, we’ll uncover its hidden mechanisms, explore its various manifestations, and discover strategies to break free from its grip. First off, enabling perpetuates destructive behaviors. It’s like giving a toddler unlimited access to the cookie jar and then wondering why they won’t eat their vegetables. When we constantly shield others from the consequences of their actions, we’re essentially giving them a free pass to keep messing up. Last but not least, enablers often prioritize others’ needs over their own.

” We have no part when it comes to the alcoholic/addict and their addiction or recovery. As Al-Anon 12 step recovery programs say; “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it”. The most fundamental anti-enabling belief is the recognition that not all helping is truly helpful. If we are irresponsible, usually there is a negative consequence that follows from the bad decision.

You know that friend who’s always swooping in to save the day, even when nobody asked for help? It’s like they’ve got a superhero complex, minus the cool costume and superpowers. Don’t worry; I’m not expecting you to have x-ray vision or mind-reading powers. But there are some telltale signs that can help you identify enabling behavior, whether it’s in yourself or someone else. Support groups like Al-Anon may be useful for people whose loved ones are living with addiction.

You’re looking to avoid conflict

Recognizing enabling patterns in yourself can be about as comfortable as wearing a wool sweater in the middle of a heatwave. “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says. “For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. If your loved one is dealing with alcohol misuse, removing alcohol from your home can help keep it out of easy reach. You may not have trouble limiting your drinks, but consider having them with a friend instead.

In fact, enabling generally begins with the desire to help. Enabling behaviors can often seem like helping behaviors. You may try to help with the best of intentions and enable someone without realizing it. But it’s important to realize enabling doesn’t really help.

The Fine Line Between Helping and Enabling

This term can be stigmatizing since there’s often negative judgment attached to it. However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally. Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict.

Fast forward to adulthood, and Timmy (now Tim) finds himself in relationships where he’s always the one smoothing things over, making excuses, and bending over backward to keep others happy. That’s because childhood experiences and family dynamics play a huge role in shaping our adult behaviors, especially when it comes to enabling in psychology. But it’s important to recognize this pattern of behavior and begin addressing it. Enabling can have serious consequences for your relationship and your loved one’s chances for recovery.

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The road to recovery and change is almost never a spotless one, so it’s important not to guilt trip or shame them if and when they slip. When there’s a setback, start again at step one (provide a nonjudgmental space to talk) and offer to help again. You’re also being a good role model for consistent behavior. Cleaning up includes any form of shielding the person from the natural negative consequences of their own behavior. Many people try to help a loved one make major life changes, and fail. Covering for a drug addict or alcoholic isn’t in anyone’s best interests.

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Denying the issue can create challenges for you and your loved one. By pretending what they do doesn’t affect you, you give the message they aren’t doing anything problematic. It’s not enabler psychology always easy to distinguish between empowering someone and enabling them. This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work. This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative.

These suggestions can help you learn how to empower your loved one instead. But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. Missing out on things you want or need for yourself because you’re so involved with taking care of a loved one can also be a sign you’re enabling that person. They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly. You reassure them you aren’t concerned, that they don’t drink that much, or otherwise deny there’s an issue. Even though it’s starting to affect your emotional well-being, you even tell yourself it’s not abuse because they’re not really themselves when they’ve been drinking.

That is, accept that you’ve played a part in perpetuating unacceptable behaviors in your loved one and make a commitment to breaking the cycle. Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those.